Online Dating Expert helps Lonely Guy- 4

Finding Andrew’s perfect potential girlfriend

The third day, another message was waiting in the Swissfriend’s mailbox.  A girl had seen Andrew’s profile, liked it and decided to send him a message first! Statistically, women sending a message first doesn’t happen much. Her message was great; I instantly fell in love with her. She wrote:
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I LOVE the zoo, my favourite food is pizza, I bake a mean cupcake and I am in possession of a very British sense of humour (or so I am told) :-) I moved to Zurich from Scotland 4 years ago. Would be great to hear from you!
Cloudy
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She added a photo of herself looking cute and surrounded by cupcakes. I wanted her to be Andrew’s girlfriend just to eat her cupcakes! I was over-excited- again. To me, this was it, cupcake girl was the right girl for Andrew! I sent him her message and her photo on chat. I was utterly disappointed by his reaction:
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Me: I found the perfect woman for you!
A.: Why is she perfect?
Me: First, she’s cute. Second, she bakes cupcakes. (I send the photo)
A: I can’t believe it.
Me: Third, SHE sent the first message. Look at the message, its awesome. (Copy of the message)
A: She wants my body.
Me: She does! Thanks to my awesome photo taking skills AND my awesome profile writing skills (I have to give myself compliments because Andrew won’t)
A: I’m worried she isn’t that cute though.
Me: What? She looks cute on the photo!
A: Really? REALLY?
Me: And she seems to have a good personality.
A.:  Meh, I’m afraid she’s a bit fat.
Me: Pffff, Androo. I’m very disappointed in you. Only looks matter to you. No wonder why you’re single.
A.: Cecile. I am one of the hottest single guys in the whole world.
Me: You’re one of the most obnoxious, annoying, pretentious single guys on the planet, you mean? I find you the perfect girl and all you do is complain that she is not hot enough?!
A.: I like her message. But she put loads of effort into writing it because I’m the hottest guy she could ever hope to meet.
Me: I showed her photo to Nick; he thought she was cute. I think she is cute. I’m sure everybody except Mister PICKY would agree she is cute.
A: Maybe she’s cute in real life.
Me: She is certainly not ugly. She did not mention her weight on the profile and selected “curvy” to describe herself though.
A.: Curvy = FAT
Me: She doesnt look too fat on the photo, I dont think.
A: She does. you can see that she extends out on those lines, like a huge triangle.
Me: A girl with curves is better.
A.: Oh really? Why don’t you gain a few kilos to be more curvy then if it is so great?!
Me: I don’t think you really want a girlfriend.
A: My plan is to meet her and make friends with her so that you can have another friend.
Me: I’m considering giving up. You’re too dicky.
A: I want to meet this girl, so what’s your plan?
Me: Ok, help me write a message to her. I thought I’d begin like that:
Wow, your cupcakes look delicious! You made that?
A: !!! Are you teasing me now? Like I’d write that.
Me: No. What would you write, smart ass?
A.: We should meet, and waddle down the Niederdorf on your massive feet.
Me: NO.
Then I could write this:
Actually I never went to the Zoo in Zürich but I’d love to go!
A.: I don’t think that’s a good idea. I want to meet her for coffee, not at the zoo because if it’s lame I can’t leave, then.
Me: Well, even if she’s lame, you’d still benefit from the zoo though.
A.: No! No zoo on a date. God! A cafe! That’s the first meeting. To convince her to come, you can write this:
“Don’t worry, they have snacks, so you can keep your blood sugar abnormally high at all times”
At that point I decided to ignore him and wrote the following message by myself:
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Hi Cloudy,
Wow, your cupcakes look delicious! I liked your message: we have so much in common already. We should meet. I’d like to make fun of your Scottish accent.
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She replied the day after:
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Erm…I’ll have you know that I’m very well spoken :-) and who knows maybe I’ll enjoy making fun of your accent! Is it Birmingham? That’s my favourite accent to mock :-) x
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I sent this back after asking Andrew for inspiration:
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No, it’s Norwich. I was born on a farm and I learned how to milk cows and how to elongate vowels.
My trial period on Swissfriends is about to end and I don’t think I’ll sign up to the site but I’d really like to keep in touch with you! So you can write to me at lord_flashheart@fastmail.net
Hope to hear from you soon, we should get a muffin!
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After a couple more messages, a date was set up with Cloudy for Wednesday evening, a day after Andrew’s date with Rainy on Tuesday. I was so efficient! But that was not all. Even though I had already found 2 dates for Andrew, I continued messaging chicks. I had seen a Swiss-French woman’s profile. Her pseudo was Sunny. At first, I wasn’t sure she would meet Andrew’s super picky expectations: I liked what she had written on her profile but she looked average on her photo. I still sent her photo to Andrew because she had a great luminous smile on it. Surprisingly, he gave me the green light without complaining. Hence if you’re a girl looking for love on the internet, put up a photo of you smiling! Average looking girls who smile on photos have much better chances to catch male attention than pretty girls who pout on the photo (unless you look like Keira Knightley; in this case, I guess you can make whatever face pleases you). I sent Sunny the following message:
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Hi Sunny,
I really like what you wrote in your profile. You seem to be easy going and open-minded… So your native language is French? I love to hear English with a french accent ;-). I’d like to know more about you! What do you think of Swissfriends so far? Write to me, we could get a cup of tea sometime.
Looking forward to hear from you,
Andrew

 Next: Losing Patience

6 thoughts on “Online Dating Expert helps Lonely Guy- 4

  1. Cecile, please listen to your cool and intelligent friend Lorene. She’s right about everything and I like her.

    “looking forward to hear from you” is wrong and bad and I can’t believe you sent that to someone in my name!

  2. dont’ you think it’s a bit dangerous for him to have you write all those details about the process? what if THE ONE happens to find out it wasn’t him…?
    and there’re details you don’t share! how did Andrew help you with the second last message if he’s not that helpful? hahaha
    and I wonder if you wrote on the last message “looking forward to hear from you” or “hearing from you”….. ;p

    • If he’d found THE ONE through my help, she would have to know the truth, don’t you think? How could they start a long-term relationship based on a lie? I think both “looking forward to hear from you” and “looking forward to hearing from you” are correct; the latter is just more commonly used. And yeah, I may have exaggerated Andrew’s attitude to make the story funny; he did help me after I relentlessly harassed him to do so and threatened to give up on the project.

  3. Hey Cecile, what a great thing you are doing for our poor Andrew who cannot manage to get a girlfriend by himself. It’s such a shame that ‘one of the hottest single guys in the whole world’ cannot find a mate. Well with your expert help I am sure it will happen. Keep the updates posted here – it’s probably the only way I will ever get to hear about the possible daughter-in-law I might have. lol. Love your writing by the way and looking forward to meeting you all again next year. Angela

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