Andrew’s first date with Rainy, the blonde woman, was all set up to happen on a Tuesday afternoon. The day before, I met Andrew to talk about the date. I started getting annoyed at his complete lack of enthusiasm for the date and the whole online dating project. He clearly didn’t believe in finding love through the internet. He also clearly didn’t value the time and energy I was putting into the project. As we were talking, he was rudely looking at his laptop and rolling his eyes all the time. Until I said:
“I’ve come up with a mathematical formula and a list of rules to help you succeed with women. You have to try it tomorrow with hot blonde chick.”
“Tell me, you’ve got my complete and undivided attention!” He said, finally closing his laptop.
“Okay. 50 % of the time you have to let her talk about herself. 30% of the time, you have to make her laugh and you can use the remaining 20% to talk about yourself. Got it?”
“Tsch! That is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard!” He laughed, opening his laptop again.
Annoyed, I flounced and left him alone with his best friend the laptop. Later in the evening, I went on the chat because we needed to send a reply to Sunny, the 32 year old Swiss-French girl I had started messaging on his behalf. I had no inspiration for the message and I wanted Andrew to be more involved in the project. I was getting seriously bored of sending the same dull messages to different women. We had the following chat:
Andrew: Hey, I want the list of rules you told me about this afternoon.
Me: You just want to make fun of it on your blog.
Andrew: Um, yes, so send it!
Me: I still need to work on it.
Andrew: I’m going to use it as a talking point with the chick.
Me: Huh? BAD IDEA.
Please don’t do that. Just go, be charming,
which you are
and it’ll be great
(See how nice, thoughtful and supportive a friend I am?)
Andrew: Just send me the list!
Me: No. Please write a message for Sunny, the Swiss-French girl, NOW so I can check it and send it right away, it’s been a few days already since her last email!
Andrew: Dear Sunny,
What’s your favourite colour of cat? Mine is blue.
See you soon,
Me: No. Give me a date, a time and a place to meet.
Andrew: Sunday for a brunch maybe?
Me: Yes, good idea. Please write the message now.
Andrew: Just write about brunch!
Me: No, you write it. I’m not your slave. Now I’m going to bed in 15 minutes; you can write the message and then I’ll send it. Otherwise, too bad for you. Not my problem if you want to die alone.
I have money.
I can die in the arms of a Thai ladyboy.
Me: lol, come on. Just a short message for Sunday.
Andrew: Ok. I’ll send it in 16 minutes because of the football.
Me: Well then you’ll do it without me. You’re old enough to send an email after all.
Andrew: Dear Sunny, would you like to have brunch with me on Sunday? It will be nice. Then I’ll go play sports. Let me know.
Me: Can’t you at least try and say smthg nice related to last message she sent you?
Andrew: She just complained about what you wrote and said she liked Shakespeare.
Me: So you’ll meet her in front of helvetia at 11.00?
Me: Brunch is at 11 not 1!
1PM is like after lunch in Switzerland!
Me: 1 is for a cup of coffee! Not for a brunch! What’s wrong with you?!
You know what?
I’m losing my patience
(Andrew was smiling because I was upset! How twisted is that?)
Because I said 1pm?
Me: So you’re not going to bother finding anything nice to say to Sunny?
Your problem. I’ll just send your lame email. See if she wants to go on a date with you after reading it.
Andrew: Dear Sunny, you sound feisty, like all the French women I’ve met. It should be fun to meet! I’m super-busy this week but how about a laid-back brunch? Sunday at 11. I hope you can make it. We can talk about why JK Rowling is better than Shakespeare and why French women get upset easily.
Me: She is not French she is SWISS you retard!
After hours of laughable yet unproductive chat, I finally decided to write a message to Sunny by myself. Not for Andrew’s sake; for my blog’s sake. She agreed to meet him the following week. I had found 3 women willing to meet Andrew. My mission was over and I had achieved it brilliantly. Andrew, on the other hand, had contributed little or nothing to the process. At times, it even felt like he had deliberately tried to sabotage the project and even our friendship for his own twisted, sick amusement. But that was his problem. I had achieved everything I had set out to achieve:
In 5 days, I messaged 29 women on Swissfriends. Only 14 of these messages were read (which means that a lot of profiles on Swissfriends are old ones or fake ones: no need to get all weepy when women don’t reply to your messages.) Five women replied to my first message and three women agreed to go on a date with Andrew.
All that was left for Andrew to find true love was to go on the dates and behave. Pretty easy.
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